A Conversation-Monopolizing Bore

Or, How to [not] Become a Fanatical Conversationalist

The Story of a Cowardly Conversationalist

I laugh at myself when I think about this subject topic.  I am not a good conversationalist, and I never have been.  I always like to say that my speaking ability lies in the power of my pen.  I used to think that I would rather write a letter to a friend or family member so that I could say exactly what I wanted to say, than to speak to them in person as I trip over words and barely cover a third of what I wanted to say in the first place.  It’s a terrible weakness really.  I ought to push myself and exceed the minimal limits that I have placed upon myself, but I don’t know if I am that brave yet (although reading Stonewall Jackson’s Book of Maxims is greatly encouraging me).  However, I can say that I have come a long way since I was thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, and maybe even sixteen.  I feel a little bit more confident than I did then, but still not confident enough.  Self-confidence is just not my forte.

Between my fifteenth and sixteenth year I found out how much I exceedingly enjoyed to write (that is also when I really began to write poetry on a constant basis, and consequently I now have around 120 poems).  From some of my early years as a young girl I can still remember how much I loved to read, and even write short stories and poems, but it really kicked in as I grew older.  Although, there is one thing that I regret about my avid reading and writing: because I found a weak spot in my conversational skills, I retreated back into myself so that I would not have to face as much embarrassment.  Now I find out what a bad mistake that was.  Sometimes I think I’m going insane because I have all sorts of conversations—profound ones and trivial ones—with myself in my head because of my conversational cowardice.  I could give you an example to corroborate my story, but I don’t want my head psychoanalyzed.

I prefer the usage of majestic gargantuan words when I write.  You cannot conjecture the arduous quantity of time I exhaust exploring the reference publication listing of alphabetically arranged definitions for dexterous and zestful phrases and expressions to exhibit my cosmopolitan yearning of sophistication.   Okay, perhaps that last sentence was a bit ambiguous.  I definitely cannot do that in my regular everyday speech (my siblings would think I had lost it).  On the other hand, I think I tend to be more extreme when it comes to the words I use in writing because I would rather find the biggest and most delicious words in the dictionary to get my point across and not everybody know what I mean, than to use everyday proper language that I know people will understand.  I am not a big word type of person in my conversation though, no matter my aspirations to be one.  My writing is a different story, as you can see. 

So what exactly is a conversation-monopolizing bore?  Someone who dominates the tête-à-tête so that the other person can’t even get a word in edgewise?  I’d say that pretty much sums it up, including someone who is so lax in their conversation skills that the lagging conversation is downright b-o-r-i-n-g (guilty).  I know best what it is not, mostly because I am not the kind to greatly monopolize conversations...with strangers and friends anyway.  Then again, I, well, I’m afraid that I can be a wee bit overbearing with my siblings...oops.  But for the most part, I am apt to shy away into the background as a very backward, reserved, quiet little girl (I said for the most part).

I once heard the word cosmopolitan in a story a few years back and loved it.  Just say it aloud and you will know what I mean: cos-mo-pol-i-tan.  I love the sound of it!  Then I proceeded to look up its meaning because I had never heard the word before.  I found that it basically meant “from or knowing many parts of the world; sophisticated.”  Definitely me, in a wishful kind of sense.  Not that I am cultured or refined or traveled.  I used to hope that a dashing Christian millionaire would fall for me and we would travel the world (thus earning the cosmopolitan title), but now I think I was deceiving myself (Gal.6:3).  Besides, I don’t even know any dashing Christian millionaires, specifically who fit my ideal!  Okay, I’m getting a little off course here.

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren,
let every man be swift to hear,
slow to speak, slow to wrath.”
-James 1:19

Real meaningful conversation that doesn’t lag and isn’t boring consists of two parts: speaking and listening.  Awkward conversation is lopsided when one person does most of the talking, or when two people twiddle their thumbs not knowing what to say, but real conversation is what we want.  In real conversation (and when I say real I mean meaningful) there are two people communicating responsibly and maturely, both equally listening to what the other person has to say, and both equally participating in the talking aspect.

I am sure we all know that the most important person in conversation is the other person.  The way we can show this is by keeping eye contact, for as my dad says, this shows the other person that we are genuinely interested in what they have to say, and that we respect them enough to actually listen to them.  Most times we are too engrossed by what we want to say (our “wisdom,” or perhaps a favorite topic we are passionate about) that we often forget about the other person as we rattle off nonsense or even a legitimate subject matter.  What we don’t realize is that we damage relationships when we control conversation.  Plus, people then decide we are boring and don’t want to engage us in conversation again.   Look out—Rachel is coming—hide!

“Let the words of my mouth,
and the meditation of my heart,
be acceptable in Thy sight, O LORD,
my strength and my redeemer.”
-Psalm 19:14

While being a good listener is absolutely vital, the words that we speak are also just as important, for they reflect upon our characteristics and nature in general.  If all we do is prattle off whatever comes to our brain, we will likely be proven a fool.  Then again, if we use the hip and trendy language of the modern youth that really doesn’t make any sense (yaknow, like using, yaknow, like, words that, like, make no sense whatever man), we will still look (and sound) a fool.  The only way to exercise proper verbal communication is to think about what we are going to say before we say it.  This also eliminates any hurtful words that might pop out.  We are accountable to the Lord for everything we do, including the words of our mouth (Matt.12:36).  The easiest way to make a fool of oneself is to insert-foot-into-mouth.  How ever we do it, I can’t even comprehend, but we do it nevertheless.  Even reserved people such as myself.  But I have found out that the more jovial, open, and talkative one is, the easier it is to insert foot.  No offense, jovial, open, and talkative people.

I have always envied those who always know what to say, whether it be something witty and humorous, or a philosophical intelligent reply.  I am never anything of the kind.  I’m more the type who will think of that certain witty or intelligent remark hours later while lying in bed unable to sleep.  I’ll jerk straight up as if a lightning bold hit me: “Aha! I know just what too say!”  But by then it is far too late.  I’m afraid my intelligence comes none too quick.  Bummer.

Fortunately for me I don’t tend to monopolize conversations.  No, I’m more inclined to be just plain reserved and boring.  How humdrum.  On the contrary, I can remember being eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen even and terrible indecisive on what to say to a friend.  I remember one specific friend with whom I would sit on the couch at my grandparents’ house and barely say five words to when I was eleven.  How she ever put up with backward little me, I’ll never know.  The good news is that I have changed a little bit—not so shy, not so backward, not such a non-conversationalist, not such a freak—but I still don’t monopolize conversations. 

Who knows, I may get there yet.  But I doubt it.

A Change in the Wind

Hello all my adoring fans and readers! (Hey, I can dream, can't I?)

My blog posts have been pretty sporadic over the year that I've been blogging.  Apparently I can't stick to a specific schedule.  I've tried that several times.  I know that I'm not rhetoric, but what would you, my loyal fans, like to hear from me? (Please don't tell me you'd rather I shut my big mouth...unless you really mean it.)  What would you like to gain from this blog?  My purpose is threefold: to help fellow brothers and sisters (as well as myself!), show forth God's glory, and to convince y'all that there's a dork out there who makes plenty of mistakes...just like you and everybody else.  There's only one thing - we can conquer those things, whether petty or considerable in size.  I want to be effective in what I do, but I need some feedback.

My random (and sometimes sloppy) writing style is going through some major changes. (I have several articles on the horizon, but don't expect too much too soon.)  I'm going to write more often (something I love to do, so it shouldn't be a problem. However, considering the business of life...we'll see.), and more worthwhile.  What are your major concerns?  What do you struggle with most?  What are your dreams, hopes, thoughts, and expectations for the future?  What are your tastes, passions, pursuits?  As for mine, they're practically endless.  We'll not go into them just right now.

What do young women struggle with the most?  That's easy: acceptance.  Many different things fall under that category.  But what about young men?  For that I haven't an answer. (After all, we are different.)  We all struggle with many things, but since God created us male and female, there are hundreds of differences between us.  Surely you've noticed that if your household contains each gender.

What are your worries relating to America?  Do you now fully realize that she is sinking steadily?  Do you see the Constitution being torn apart into little pieces by the ones who have sworn to uphold it?  That's too much irony for me.  What would our founding fathers say?

Every life has a different story.  Is it beautiful or mournfully lonely?  Is it overflowing with happiness or perhaps full of trials?  Is it a victory that overcomes the world?  Just like a writer struggles with different styles for each character, so we live day to day with different characteristics in our lives.  What's your story?

I'd love to hear from you anytime at rachel@covenantdevotion.com with questions, comments, or perhaps a word of encouragement.  Hey, I'd even welcome criticism! (Give it a try.)  Feedback could also help me decide what to write about.  I'm not saying that I'll have all the answers (heaven forbid!), but with lots of study, and principle help from our Lord Jesus Christ, the major issues of life can be fought and won!  "I have not yet begun to fight!" said John Paul Jones.  Let our words be the same.

Lord, we give this day to You,

Bless it - come what may.

Guide us in what e'er we do,

Love us day by day.

Lord, we lift our hands to You in praise,

Bless us - come what may.

Grasp us as to You our hearts we raise,

Love us day by day.

Although many issues in our day and age are desperately serious, hope also remains.  Jesus Christ has promised that one day all the kingdoms of this world will be the kingdoms of our Lord and of His Christ. (Revelation 11:15)  We don't know if America will be vanquished or not.  While hope remains, we are to fight and press on.  Christ will come out victorious in the end and all enemies will be His footstool.  Because we have something to live for, why not live?

Perfectionist to the very Core

Unfortunately, yes, it is true.  I will admit with candor.

One thing about being a flawed human being, we can all relate to each others faults and mistakes, can we not?  Not to get down-in-the-mouth about being flawed (for all humans are), but it is true. 

Perfectionism: "the quality or state of being perfect; gaining the highest degree of excellence."

Ow.  That stung.  Are you wincing just a little?  Yeah, your little conscience buddy is telling you that nothing can achieve perfection.  Dratted little bug.  Always ruining good ideas.

Being a perfectionist is two-sided: either you try to do everything perfectly (unsuccessfully), or you can use that desire to do everything to the best of your ability which God has given you, knowing that nothing can be perfect.

I will confess that I, more times than not, practice the former.  Everything has to be perfect.

Pimples pop out on my face: HORROR.  I live in a nightmare.  No one look at me!  I have pimples, so I'm imperfect. (hmm, truth.)

I am not an accomplished musician: playing my violin, I know I don't do everything right (having taught myself); therefore I grow gloomy and depressed because I'm imperfect and can't do anything right. (hmm, truth.)

I look at myself in a mirror or picture (or even worse, a video) and scrutinize every detail.  Oh.  Cringing, I grow morose and crotchety because I am imperfect and flawed. (hmm, truth)

I wake up one fine morning, and determine to get along better with my siblings, give more honor to my parents, be more helpful around the house, do everything without being told, study diligently, think before I speak, care more for the feelings of others, and be more useful in my time. (sounds impossible, I know, but I don't fully realize that on a bright morning when I am in such a good mood!)  Then, when I fail, I become pessimistic and crestfallen because I am imperfect and human. (hmm, more truth!)

How zany am I?

As human beings, we cannot achieve perfection.  As the Bible says, all our righteousness is as filthy rags. (Isaiah 64:6)  We have no right whatsoever to think we are something in this crooked world.  Well, we can think of ourselves as fallen and depraved sinners, but nobody wants to admit that.

"For if any man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself."  ~Galatians 6:3

"Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think anything as of ourselves; but our sufficiency is of God."  ~2 Corinthians 3:5

All human beings are perfectionists in some way or form.  We don't want to admit our sin.  We will all claim our own goodness, according to Proverbs 20:6.  

Just what is sin?

"Whosoever committeth sin transgresseth also the law: for sin is the transgression of the law."  ~1 John 3:4

"The law" being talked about here is the Bible, God's law to mankind.  Whosoever disobeys said law, even one commandment that God has given, is guilty of sin.  Let me ask you something: have you ever stole, lied, cheated, taken the Lord's name in vain, been disobedient to your parents, envied/coveted? (just to name a few)  Of course everyone has sinned.  We were all born with depravity.  No one is perfect, only Jesus Christ.

"If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us."  ~1 John 1:8

We have no right whatsoever to glory in ourselves.  Our chests may puff out with pride at our many amazing accomplishments, but they are all really nothing.  Paul said the cross was the only thing he could glory in, and rightly so. (Galatians 6:14)  Our boasting is in vain unless we boast of Christ and the work He has done.  For it is He which worketh in us, both to will and to do of His good pleasure. (Philippians 2:13)

We can accomplish nothing of ourselves.  It is Christ who works in us.  If we are His child, the Holy Spirit dwells in us.  However, that does not mean we automatically become sinless, nor does God's grace give us a license to sin. (Romans 6)  We will still be human (and all which that entails) but the new man is to take dominion over the old one.

"Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new."  ~2 Corinthians 5:17

Christians can never be perfect until the day we enter into heaven to live gloriously with the King of kings.  Then will our bodies be perfect, then will our robes be white, and then will we praise and glorify God forever and ever.  No more death, nor tears, nor pain, nor sorrow, nor any vile, wicked thing will come to pass.  

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away."  ~Revelation 21:4

Yes, we are all perfectionists.  How will you use that?  For good, or for evil?  Will you become full of woe, or zeal for the kingdom of Christ?

Remember, we all fail.  We are never on sure ground unless upon the Solid Rock.

"Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall."  ~1 Corinthians 10:12

But, we do have assurance in Christ.  We may not be a luminary who is known for good works; but we can do all for the glory of God. (1 Corinthians 10:31)

What kind of a perfectionist are you?

The Myth of Perfection

I recently came across a very interesting article by Jasmine Baucham, authoress of Joyfully at Home.  It perked my interest extremely.  It was not a fortuitous circumstance that I happened upon the article--no, I was meant to read it, for a very special purpose.

But, before I give you the link, listen for just a moment.  Girls, we all know that there is no such thing as perfect beauty, remember? (Hey, I just came up with a title for another post!)  The media distorts true beauty (watch this to believe) and makes girls out to be beauties with perfect naturalness.  Whatever.  Throw that out of your mind.  We all have flaws; there is no denial.

Now that we girls should know the truth (if you are still having trouble, I can recommend other great articles to read), let's take a different step.

I love how well Jasmine writes her articles. She says this about young women: 

"For so many of us young women, our ideal man might look like [insert wildly attractive movie star's name here] on the outside, but, on the inside, his identity comes from making us happy. He is fine-tuned to meet all of our desires -he caters to our every romantic whim. He never disappoints us. He never aggravates us. He never falls short of our expectations, even though they hover somewhere in the stratosphere."

Does that stun you?  It hit me like a lightning bolt.  My mouth gaped open, my eyes grew wide, and I was left dumbfounded.  Do I really do that?  I wondered.  Yes, ye I do!   Shocking.  Here I don't want my future husband expecting me to look like a movie star (slim, trim, and dazzlingly beautiful), but I will actually compare him to the perfect Prince Charming, or any other famous movie stars (you know, the one with the cute dimples, the tanned skin, the flashy smile, and the deep, dark eyes?)!  How presumptuous is that?!  We girls are hurt when any men place such high expectations upon us, but we'll go as far to expect perfectness from the man we marry!  How preposterous!

We are all guilty, men and women.  You may do so consciously or subconsciously.  Men automatically expect women to look like the actresses and models they see on TV, and vice versa.  We are all expecting lies.  Perfection is not real.  True, movie stars may seem different and unusual, but they are still flawed human beings.

What are your expectations for your future spouse?  Are they supposed to be a certain height and weight?  Are they supposed to have even, white teeth; full lips; certain eye and hair color; flawless skin; perfectly shaped nose? (insert any physical attributes.)  You'll be searching your whole life without success!

What is wrong with the people of our society?  Why is truth so distorted?  Walking through town we can see the diversity of man and woman: short ones, tall ones, skinny ones, large ones, black ones, white ones, and all the ones in between.  Why then do we automatically dismiss those images from our minds and presume that our future spouse has to be special?

Dear men, young men, and boys who read my posts, I just wanted to apologize for my fellow womankind and myself.  We expect y'all to display perfect behavior and gallantry, not to mention perfect physical attractions.  We girls have messed up, but an important reminder: we all are flawed. Y'all must be patient, just as we must be.  No one is a real Prince Charming, or even Mr. Knightly or Mr. Darcy.  Although fictional characters like they had flaws, we girls still measure men to meet such standards, because they seem to be such perfect examples of manhood.  We should all know that no one is perfect except our Savior, and we as humans can never be.

Jasmine Baucham is a highly perceptive and zealous young woman.  I relate to so much of her writing, although my tastes are quite different from hers. (*smile*)  If I had not read her articles, I might have continued on in my ignorance (of which I have a lot.)  I thank God for her influence in many aresa.  Now that you have listed to my incompetency, please read her article.  She expressed herself much better than I.

She is also going through a series on her blog called Joyfully Content.  You can read the introduction here, the first post here, and the second post here.  The series continues on Monday.  Please read with an open heart.  I know I've given y'all much to read, but it will be worth it, I promise.

You don't want to believe a lie, do you?